Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
