Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I have feelings that need drinking.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
