so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
we made out on top of his cat.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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