he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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