Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
