MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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