I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
