every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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