Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
