I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".