i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
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