went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
