Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
