grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
