I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
