But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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