i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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