hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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