I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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