don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
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