my soul wont recognize me after tonight
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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