Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
