Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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