Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
