Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
