I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
