Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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