Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize