Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
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Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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