I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
