I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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