I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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