I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
