I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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