When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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