dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
