I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Never underestimate the power of titties
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
