No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
