ugly people sure do ruin things
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
