I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
