You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Oh god it's open bar.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
