does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
