So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
