I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I didn't notice because vodka
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
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