Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
my liver is dry heaving
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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