I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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