wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Randomize
