Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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