the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
