Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize