Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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