Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
