Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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