Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
