I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
