I'm jealous of your bromance
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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